Released from Bitter Root Judgement Against Abusive Brother
by JO
Bitter Root Judgment – My Abusive Brother
Before signing up for Basic School 1, I told the Lord that I would like to have an inward and outward transformation. I had a picture of an ugly caterpillar which would soon become a beautiful butterfly, and I knew that through these seminars, God would work that transformation in me.
I was sick and tired of my family, friends, colleagues, and business associates giving me feedback about how some of them are hesitant, fearful, and reluctant when approaching me. Why? The reason being, I have a very serious and fierce countenance. Every time someone said that to me, I inwardly cringed in anger, frustration and helplessness. I said to all of them that I cannot help it; God gave me this face. I soon discovered that it wasn’t that at all, but rather, my unapproachable face was due to the bitter root judgment I made when I was a little girl.
During one of the group session, I was the ‘seeker’ (counselee). I told my group that I wanted to know the root to the reason why I looked the way I look (serious, fierce front). So, we prayed and allowed God to speak and show us the root cause.
The Lord revealed a scene from my past (when I was age 8) to me. My dad was an absent father who worked as a greaser in one of the cargo ships. Hence, mum had to take care of 8 of us, ranging from age 3 to 21. One of my brothers, who was aged 16 at that time, would tutor my sister (age 6) and me in mathematics during the night. I was not a very bright or quick student, unlike my younger sister. Therefore my answers were mostly wrong. Brother would get so angry that he would slap me or cane me. The sting of the slap caused me to fumble and make even more errors in the answers to the math questions. Mum forbade him to lay his hand on me, because he could not control the force of his hand, being a male. So he resorted to getting my younger sister to slap me and then force me to slap her back. He threatened my sister that he would beat her if she did not obey.
So the slapping would continue until he was satisfied. Before the old cane marks (which he inflicted) would disappear from my legs, fresh cane marks would be there, causing me embarrassment in school. I would dread each night because I would be the one on the receiving end of his frustration and anger. I would secretly pray that something will happen to him or he will get drunk so that he will not be able to tutor us.
The Lord further revealed to me, (which I forgot about it) that my brother’s frustrations towards me became more intense that he resorted to making me kneel down on cockle shells, one shell below each knee. The cockle shells increased from 1-3 shells per knee and by the time I went to bed, my knees would be bleeding.
During the ‘punishment’ he forbade me to cry and therefore I had to stifle my sobs and swallow my tears. I had to tell myself that I mustn’t cry because if I did, the beatings and punishment would increase. I suppressed all the hurt and pain inside of me. This constant physical abuse by my brother resulted in a greater and deeper suppressed anger in my life and as the years went by, I also discovered that I could not cry like others. I could not express my emotions as my heart has become a heart of stone.
One of the facilitator asked me during the session, how I felt during the beatings and punishments. I said that I felt such pain, that I told myself that when I grew up, I would not become like my brother, who was so fierce and angry. According to EH teaching, this is called a bitter root judgment and an inner vow. A judgment we made to someone, in anger or negative reaction, will return to us in our later years and will bind us to the very same thing we judge others. A vow made in anger will bind us.
I repented and asked God for forgiveness and I was ministered to, by my group. 1 week later, my group gave feedback that my facial expression had become softer and more approachable. It’s been about 2 weeks since the last seminar and I had feedback from my family members that they could see changes in me. One of these changes is that my face looks more relaxed; calm and friendlier. No sign of anger or fierceness. I also discovered that I am no longer easily irritated, affected or be angry at the people which I used to do.
Due to this transformation, my sister, family members, and friends now want to sign up for EH as they too want a real transformation in their lives.
I believe that God is continuing His transforming work in me from an ugly caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly with many colors that will draw others around me to know the real ‘Transformer of Life’ that is JESUS!
Basic Trust – My Playmate Brother
During the teaching of Basic Trust, I felt a stirring that I was always sidelined by my family, my friends and business partners. Therefore, I told my group that I wanted to know the root to this.
God brought to my remembrance that when I was a little girl at age 4, when I was playing with my 5 year old brother. We were both walking & running up and down a flight of 22 steps. As we were playing at the staircase, my brother fell and hit his head on the edge of the last staircase. I remembered blood oozed out of his head and within a few seconds, there were adults around. There were commotion and one of the adult carried my brother into the bedroom. One of the neighbours accused me of pushing my brother down the stairs and I remembered telling them, in between my crying that I did not. They shooed me out of the bedroom and I kept asking the adults “where’s my brother”. I remembered that I was left alone in one corner and I covered my face and cried and cried. I sensed that my brother died and no one explained to me what happened to him. I remembered flashes of his cracked head and lots of blood and I was not the one that pushed him down the stairs but he slipped and fell on his own.
God showed to me that since the incident, I lost the joy as a child, because my ‘playmate’ was taken away from me. I felt sidelined by the adults and no one would listen to me. I felt guilty because had I not played with him at the staircase, he would not have died.
As I grew up, I constantly have flashes of the incident which have caused me to feel alone and in a limbo.
After relating to the facilitators, I was prayed for and God asked me to look back again at the scene and I did not see my brother there and there was no evidence of any blood at the scene. God revealed to me that I was not the one that pushed my brother and I should not carry the guilt and blame. I felt something broke inside of me and I knew that I was set free from the past.
God also revealed to me that He has given me my youngest sister, in replacement of my playmate brother, which I never realized before. Praise God for my youngest sister who is my closest friend, confidante and my prayer partner. Praise God who ALONE can heal and liberate my painful trauma which has been hidden in the subconscious.