Learning to rest in God’s love

by YK

I attended the keys in Jan 2009. Then went for 5 personal counseling sessions and I was sure that I needed 20 sessions not 5 because I am such a hard core case. But God is merciful and after 2 sessions I realized, yes I was receiving the ‘real’ thing – which were my first words when I stepped into EH, that I want the real thing.

Having been in so called `full time ministry’ for over 20 years, and quite burnt out, I had suddenly woken up and realized what a false life I had been living. I didn’t really know who I was at 55!

Everything was in my head and I super tried hard to fix my flesh. Tried to put away the old man but the need to be needed had a life of its own. I had to prove that I was worthwhile having around.

I became very skilled in portraying a happy go lucky, bubbly, nice, helpful ‘Christian’ person. I made sure everyone liked me! Capable, efficient, multitalented, I was so driven by my BRJ (bitter root judgments) and BRE (bitter root expectancies) concretized by many IVs (inner vows), all these were quite subconscious.
Primary relationships with spouse, children, mother, were haywire, and turbulent and unstable. Therefore relationship with God can’t be good. I discovered I had such wrong images of God,

I had to look after myself all the time, because no one would look after me if I didn’t. I had to cover all bases at anytime, be strong, be good Christian.
I had to ‘kow tim’ my father who wanted a boy not a girl. `kow tim’ my husband, my mom, my church, my friends etc.. I couldn’t do enough good, and it was backed up by scripture. I had all kinds of recipes and equations for spirituality. It must have driven those near and dear to me close to despair. In all this I guess I defiled many. What a mess.

There was so much anger, resentment, bitterness toward God and of course I couldn’t admit that, as that would make me a bad Christian, to even think that I was angry or dared to be angry with God. I had thoughts of ending my life – I was so, so tired of being good. All this time I thought I had lived by faith but actually I lived by stress to have to live by faith. I have been a ‘Christian’ for over 42years!!!.

I remember the prayer minister saying to me, “It’s quite good to be so tired as you don’t have the energy to crawl off the altar!” I want to thank God’s prayer ministers for their love, gentleness sensitivity and graciousness etc…etc… extended to me, who ministered to me ever so gently before the school, with much wisdom and clarity. They loved me, they walked those difficult times with encouraging words etc….

After attending EH Basic School 1, I was further ministered to, in the small groups. I want to say, “Thank you” to my small group too. The communion service at the closure of Basic 1 school, in particular was very moving and powerful. I didn’t know I could cry for so long, one hour and ten minutes!!!! I had doubts of how long my healing would last, How come so good things can happen to me, how come at last I can experience God ‘the real thing’ not just theory, not just correct theology. I have been so bad a Christian, from 3 hours quiet time to none at all. Throwing such a tantrum and God just comforted me and reassured me that His love is forever unconditional. He will quiet me with His love.
God is so good He showed me a double rainbow in March last year. I wondered what it meant but now I realize He just wants to reassure me of His double blessing. That Sunday the word ‘forever’ was given to me twice – once in church and then at EH communion. His love is forever. I can just rest. I don’t have to try so hard to please people, God etc. ..

I found that I don’t go on auto pilot when someone pushes the right buttons. I can choose. I found that God does give me compassion for the ones who have wounded me when I ask for it.I so know it’s not me because I was so `kum yuen’ type. As I walk this new life I still do so ever so gingerly, still testing, still not sure, still surprised that things are so good. Too good to be true. I have no faith. I have to ask for it and then I find hey, God does give it to me.

I find that I am walking in true freedom. Free of that seething destructive anger, free to discover who I am and to find my true identity. I know I have a long way to go. Often after a teaching session I would agonize, “what have I done to my kids, my husband, etc”? But I’m experiencing God’s gentle touch in my life and I just surrender my family to Him. Maybe when they see some change in me they too might seek help and attend EH Keys to Transformation or the Basic Schools.

Now I smile as I recall the prayer that I prayed, “I resign from looking after the world.” Yes, God loves them, too and it’s His job to do so, not mine.

I look forward to Basic School 2 and to a time where I actually know God and not know all about Him and know what other people know about Him. It will be the ‘real thing’.

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