I Met God, the Healer & Deliverer

By M – 2015 EHM participant

It’s really a day-to-day journey of discovering who I am in Him and who He is to me. It’s a life long journey. I realized much more so last year, that for a very long time, I have believed many lies about myself. So many lies that I didn’t know I was believing and didn’t know I was living out. Thanks to Elijah House, the different seminars, the people that God had divinely brought into my life and the very precious moments I had with Him when I sat at His feet and rested in Him.

I got to discover roots to the many different issues I was facing, internally and mentally. I had to face the demons of my past, which I realized were actually in the present. I have numbed my pain and ran away from it for so long that sometimes, I forget about it. I was really good in distracting myself and making myself busy. But it came to a point where I burnt out, dried out and I was just so sick of feeling the way I did. Just so sick of life, of people and of myself. It felt like I was giving and giving and striving and striving that it came to a point where, I have nothing left to give. It also felt like the past came back to haunt me but really, it was always there. Just suppressed. Just denied. I didn’t allow myself to feel the hurt because it was just too painful. I didn’t even know how much I was hurting until I allowed Him to reveal it to me.

But it was time to deal with it, to confront it and to ultimately, surrender it to My Saviour. And this time, for it to really be nailed on that cross. Jesus died not so I can live the way I did. He died so I could have an abundant life, a life free from the chains that was holding me down and a life filled with joy. All of which were things that I’ve heard so much about but never seem to fully break through to finally have and grasp it. As painful as I know that it would be…. it was time to introduce my pain to the Healer. To be completely broken before Him. To be an utter mess yet real and honest before Him. Totally transparent and vulnerable.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5

I Met God, the Sorrowful One.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book.” Psalm 56:8

It’s so great when He assures me that He hears me and that He understands me. But it’s a whole other thing, when I met the God who weeps for me, who cries for me and whose heart breaks for me. I realized that I was never crying alone. He was always there, crying with me and for me. And it’s not that He didn’t want to help or heal or restore me. He really wanted to & He’s been waiting for that moment to come. Waiting for me to finally allow Him in to the hidden parts of my heart. I had to learn to let go and to let Him have it. I had to let Him have the idols, the unforgiveness, the anger, the bitterness, the lies, the hurts, the pains etc and ultimately, I had to give Him my wounded, bleeding and broken heart. I had to learn to trust that my heart is truly safe is His hands. Then slowly but oh so surely, I begin to heal, I begin to be delivered, I begin to really feel His love, I begin to learn how to receive love from Him and from people. And before I know it, one fine day, I felt something leave. I felt relief. I felt lighter. I felt peace. It was strange. I just didn’t feel sad anymore and I’ve been feeling a certain way for so long that I forgot how it felt like to feel….normal again. Well, much better than normal in my case.

I Met God, the Rejoicing One.

I remember not knowing how to relate to God because I was relating to Him in my pain for such a long time. It was a time to learn how to have fun again, how to be light-hearted, how to really enjoy myself and to do things that I love again. I’m at this point of my journey right now. There are things I’m still praying for breakthrough for but God has given me such a great freedom that it’s time to rejoice! Especially when I’ve forgotten how to do so. I’ve had traces of it but it’s different this time. So I’m learning to see God as He is. As fun, as happy, as cheerful & as joyful. Not condemning me when I do wrong but loving me and picking me up when I fall and cheering me on to victory after victory.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:1-3

And to wrap it all up,

I Met God, the Faithful One.

I love this song called “You Are Faithful” by Amy Miller. It rings so true in my life. The lyrics goes like this, “You are faithful, you never give up, never give up on me. You are able to finish all You’ve started in me. You are stable through every change that this life can bring. You remain.”

Even when I gave up, He never gave up on me. Even when I felt like death, life was all around me, waiting to embrace me, because He never left. Even when I felt hopeless and purposeless, He never ceases to remind me again and again that He has a purpose for me and that I can fully hope in Him. Even when I hated myself and the world around me, He showed me the beauty He sees in me and in the world and in the people around me. Even when I rejected Him and ran away from Him, He never stopped accepting me, reaching out to me & making Himself vulnerable to me. Even when I believed that no one truly cared about me, He proved me wrong by revealing the truth, that every stab to my heart, was a stab far more worse to His. And every truth He reveals was difficult for me to fathom, bacause how could God, the all powerful Creator of the universe, love and care for me as much as He does. It’s beyond me. He also has brought different people to my path who was willing to be there for me and even people who would prophesy over me, confirming the intimate things that He’s personally spoken to me about. And when there was no one I felt I could turn to, He was always there and He always knew exactly what I needed. He speaks when I least expect it, goes beyond what I think He’ll do and He never ceases to amaze me.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness” Lamentations 3:22-23

The journey has not been easy, in fact, it has been very painful. But I have gotten breakthrough after breakthrough since I walked this journey with God, year after year, and I know more breakthroughs are coming. They are right around the corner. All I have to do is look to Him, seek Him, obey Him and just be close to Him. To remind myself how faithful He has been and how He’s been there for me even when I can’t feel or see Him. I know He is good and I’ve experienced so much of His goodness to ever think otherwise. But I won’t ever stop to want a reminder every single day. I know I need it and the great thing is that He so graciously provides it. I’m so thankful for Him and everyone who’s been there for me, prayed for me, cared for me and loved me.